Tonight is the last night with Georgia. Her body is giving up.
I made the appointment with the vet three days ago, sort of realizing that nothing could be done over the weekend. I was wishing she would go in her sleep. She doesn’t whimper or moan, she just looks like she’s miserable.
But, she still looks.
Her eyes follow me, so I stay in her foggy vision. The sadness I feel now, is not the idea of her being gone. It’s more that I can’t make her feel better. It’s a sadness that would be relieved, if I could give her a tasty treat to let her drift off into the next world, tranquilly and painlessly. Instead, I have to figure out how to get her into the car tomorrow, without bugging her.
We’ll bury her at the center of the labyrinth, in the field where she spent so much time jumping in the tall grass, as if on a trampoline.
Georgia was rescued at age 3 from a home with 14 cats and three other dogs. That was 11 years ago. I have no doubt that the woman who owned her, and all of the other animals, cared deeply for them when she could.
My beautiful, sweet, brindle, pitbull mix has been my constant shadow until it became too difficult for her to get into the car or climb the stairs to our bedroom.
Everyone who has owned a dog, cat, horse, parakeet, turtle, gerbil or whatever, knows how I feel. It’s nothing new.
It’s the common feeling of a breaking heart.
I need to accept that the creature who gives me so much delight, will soon be gone. I also need to remember that I gave her delight too.
Many who know me, understand that I’m not fond of public sorrow. It’s not that I am so incredibly private, it’s more so that I need to process grief by myself.
I’m doing this public display for those who feel the same way. While writing, I can cry quietly. By writing, I can let those who don’t know me as well know, that yes, I do feel like you, even if it doesn’t seem so.
Letting go of unconditional love is scary, because sometimes we wonder if we will ever feel it again.
And then we do.
Namaste- Georgia’s paws still smell like a Frito-Lay.